Recently, I have been forced again to think about my life and its meaning. It has been said that when it rains, it pours, and lately that has become a reality in my life. When things start going wrong, it seems that there is no end to it. Probably everyone has faced this kind of situation and going through it is just a matter of time.
Lately, I have not been able to be present for myself. I have been too busy taking care of the needs of others therefore I have been neglecting my own needs. I am aware of my lack of time, yet I have not been able to do anything about it. Lack of time does not just happen to me. I create it by making wrong choices. I am responsible for my own busy schedule, not anybody else. I don’t have time for myself anymore, much less my friends or family. I often don’t even have time to call home anymore. Tiredness has turned into exhaustion. There are too many commitments, too many assignments, too many responsibilities. There is just too much on my plate.
When I constantly abandon my own persona, my true self, I abandon my life and what I truly believe in. My choices in life do not necessarily represent me as a person, only my priorities that are upside down. I feel I exist thru my work. The more I get accomplished, the better. It has become my identity. This is exactly the opposite of what I have always believed in. This is why I am exhausted and not just tired anymore.
It is difficult to find reasons for the actions of others. It is difficult sometimes to understand my own actions. When your closest friends start stabbing you on the back, you might want to rethink the value of that friendship. When you start hurting people that are close to you, you might want to re-evaluate your own values as a person. How can I even think about trusting others when I cannot even trust myself? When everything that you do to others is not valued anymore, or when it is not appreciated you start to question your intentions. When you don’t have time to help others anymore you become overly preoccupied with your own life. Here lies the difficulty. Which one will you eventually choose? How much you want to give without giving your life away?
Summer is close. It is closer than I might realize. Summer means rest, relaxing, creativity, silence. I cannot wait until summer. I can’t wait to grab a book and drown in its pages while sitting in a coffee shop. I can’t wait to swim in the sea or to simply just have a sip of coffee. I cannot wait until I see my family and spend endless hours with them.
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